The last thing any parent wants to do is drag a child through a custody proceeding; however, its a fact that if you have children and you are going through a divorce or custody proceeding, that the children will ultimately be pulled in the middle. And its an unfortunate fact that may times the children are used as pawns and messengers and ultimately hurt in the end. During this post I will discuss 10 Dos and 10 Don’ts of a custody proceeding in hopes of helping all parties involved in a custody proceeding to help the child adjust to his or her new normal.
After the divorce or custody suit is over, ultimately one parent is awarded custody while the other parent is awarded visitation. Many times, children feel the stress of the situation and feel responsible for the separation and guilty for enjoying time with the other parent. To prevent or at least help the child from feeling such stress each parent SHOULD:
1.Let the child know that you will be okay while he or she is away. Many times a child will worry that their parent will be lonely without him or her; especially if he or she sees the parent sad, crying or upset. You, as a parent, can prevent this by reassuring the child that you will be fine and have plenty to do and that you want the child to go and enjoy his or her visit with the other parent.
2. Allow the other parent to participate in the child’s life. Encourage the child to call, text, Facetime, Skype, or communicate the other parent on a regular basis, especially about school and other activities. Encourage the child to invite the other parent to church or school events and activities.
3. Do not interfere with visitation. Never schedule events or activities during the other parent’s visitation period, especially with out his or her permission.
4. Be flexible with scheduling. Allow extra visitation when available and be reasonable when the other parent requests to reschedule due to family reunions, weddings family holidays. For instance if the other parent can only schedule a summer vacation with the child during the first week of July, why shouldn’t you give up your July 4 holiday for another time, if it does not affect your plans with the child?
5. Make exchanges peaceful. Make sure you leave home on time to make sure you arrive at the proper time. The 30 minute window is for emergencies and should not be taken advantage of during each exchange. Also, leave the drama at home; do not argue in front of the child.
6. Share school photographs. Order extra copies of school and other activity photographs for the other parent and the grandparents or get an extra order form for the other parent to also order photographs.
7. Listen to the child. Many times, a child is going to want to share what he or she did while on visitation, by showing an interest in his or her experiences, you will foster a positive relationship with the other parent. However, NEVER pry into what is going on in the other parent’s home; you do not want the child to feel like he or she is being interrogated.
8. Remember that parenting styles are different. There is a reason you and the other parent are not together anymore, so remember that there are different parenting styles and that’s okay. When the child comes home saying, “I got to _____ at dad’s house,” reassure the child that rules can differ in the other parent’s home, but that he or she must abide by the rules set down by each parent while in their house.
9. Communicate with the other parent. It is very important that parents communicate with one another, especially when it comes to the child’s health and well-being. If a child has been punished at your home, communicate the action and said punishment with the other parent to ensure that both parents are on the same page. And the other parent should do the same. The last thing you want is to tell a child that he is grounded from the internet for two weeks, and then the other parent allows the child to get on the internet while at his or her home. Communication is the key.
10. Promote a positive and healthy relationship. Never speak negatively about the other parent or his/her family, even if it is true. If the child speaks negatively about the other parent, inquire as to why he or she feels that way, and encourage, him or her to speak with the other parent openly. If you are positive toward the other parent and promote a healthy and positive relationship between the child and the other parent, in the end the child will thank you and have a healthier relationship with both parents.
Now, there are also things that you should not do during or after a custody action, and I will now discuss them. A local Chancellor recently posted on a blog, “TOP TEN WAYS TO DESTROY A CHILD IN A DIVORCE OR CUSTODY CASE” in which he informed attorneys on making sure their clients refrain from doing any of the ten items listed. I have decided to make that post part of my blog and would like to advise anyone who is going through a divorce or custody action on what not to do, in hopes of informing parents that are going through divorce or custody proceedings how not to traumatize their children.
To prevent making the divorce or custody process more difficult and traumatizing on your children DO NOT:
1. Use the children as pawns. Trash the non-custodial parent’s mail to the child, or hide birthday or Christmas presents. Use denial of visitation or contact as a tool to retaliate. Then tell the child it’s all the other parent’s fault.
2. Use the children as spies. Nobody makes as good a spy as an insider. So what if it puts the children in the middle, or makes them feel like traitors, or makes them choose sides. As long as I get what I want, what does it matter, right?
3. Deny the other parent access to the children. Very effective, especially when coupled with exaggerated or false claims of physical or sexual abuse. Utilized long enough, this tactic can completely estrange the children from the non-custodial parent. This ploy is so effective that children who grow into adults having experienced it often enjoy years of counselling.
4. Make the children feel guilty for loving the other parent. This one is guaranteed to create maximum stress. “Who do you love the most, me or mommy?” Some parents even punish the child for a “wrong” answer.
5. Use the children as messengers. Mommy and daddy won’t talk to each other like adults, so the child is given notes, medical bills, school records, and so on. This is an effective way to put the children right in the middle, and to let them in on adult concerns. Gives them something more to worry about, and shifts the responsibility off of the parents.
6. Criticize the other parent to the children. It really feels great to unload all of the hurt and anger you have toward your ex, and who is better than the children to understand exactly where you’re coming from? It feels super to get that off your chest — right onto the children.
7. Model vindictive and spiteful behavior. “Do as I say, not as I do” is the motto of parents who engage in this behavior. Only problem is, that philosophy has never worked when raising children. But who cares? It’s worth it to take a swipe at the old ex, right?
8. Ignore the children’s stress and negative behavior brought on by the litigation. Tell the children to quit that silly crying, or stop misbehaving or I’ll whip you, or “Quit acting like a baby.” None of that sissy stuff like holding and reassuring them, asking them to share their concerns, or simply devoting some one-on-one attention.
9. Try to “win” the children over by relaxing discipline. Parents who want to be the child’s best friend, not an authority figure. Guaranteed to win the child over to that parent’s “side,” and to undermine the authority of the other “mean” parent. The fly in this ointment is that after a while the child won’t mind you no matter what. But that’s okay as long as you’re best buds, huh?
10. Use the children as targets to vent your own anger and frustration. What’s wrong with lashing out at junior after a particularly frustrating conversation with your ex? Everything.
If you use the ten strategies above and avoid these ten pitfalls that arise during a divorce or custody proceeding, you will not only make the process easier on yourself, it will be easier on your children and hopefully less stressful and prevent the child from getting hurt.
Portions of this blog were taken from a blog at betterchancery.com, https://betterchancery.com/2016/12/13/reprise-best-ways-to-destroy-a-child-in-the-course-of-litigation/